The Hitchhikers Guide to Republicans

Tea Party Republicans:
These Republicans are a dumbed-down combination of the previous 2 groups of Republicans. They think Sarah Palin is intelligent and it’s the media filter’s fault that she looks so stupid. They think Reagan was fiscally Conservative even though he tripled the deficit. They watch Fox News religiously, and think Glenn Beck is credible. They don’t understand why people think they’re racist while they’re standing next to people holding racist signs. They protest higher taxes even though taxes have gone down for 95% of working families.

The reason why this type of Republican is an idiot:
They parrot Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin talking points. When you discredit one thing they say they immediately move on to the next subject. Anyone that doesn’t agree with them is a socialist, even though they can’t give you the actual definition of socialism. Many of them are on Medicare while protesting “socialism”. They have never met a socialist, so they have no idea what socialists believe. They think liberals are socialists and socialists are Nazis.

What to Remember when debating them:

They have no idea what they’re talking about. Ask them to prove what they are saying. If you ask them a question and they respond with a question refuse to answer their question until they answer yours. Don’t back down. Remind them that taxes have actually been lowered for 95% of working families. If debating them in public be careful because they are known to carry guns in places they don’t need them, like public parks and bars and churches.

Birther Republicans:
The birthers think that Obama was born in Kenya. No matter how much evidence you present them with that is contradictory to that they will continue to insist that he is not the legitimate President. They are sore-losers because McCain lost the election, and they will never support Obama, even if he paid off the entire National Debt.

The reason why this type of Republican is an idiot:

They think Obama was born in Kenya. They think that Orly Taitz, who grew up in a socialist country, is credible, and that Obama is a socialist. They think that Obama’s birth announcements in Hawaiian newspapers were propagated over 40 years in advance of his election, just so that he could be elected someday.

What to Remember when debating them:

Don’t waste your time. You could wave Obama’s actual birth certificate in their face and they would still say it’s a fake. They are sore-losers and they will never be happy as long as Obama is President. Make jokes asking to see their birth certificates, or Sarah Palin’s birth certificate. This is the best way to get them to go away.

Racist Republicans:
[DISCLAIMER: I am putting this one almost last for a reason. I do NOT think that all Republicans are racists. I have Republican family members who are not racist. This section is only about the small percentage of Republicans that are ACTUALLY racist, because they do exist. I'm not "playing the race card" or "race-baiting", I'm just describing a small group of racists who also affiliate themselves with the Republican Party]

Racist Republicans hate Obama because he’s black. They think that all Muslims are terrorists. They think Obama is a terrorist Muslim. The think anyone with a name like Obama’s is a terrorist.

The reason why this type of Republican is an idiot:

They’re racist, but they think Obama is a racist. They can’t understand why people call them racists when they post racist pictures or racist comments and then claim not to be racist. Whenever they possibly can they will call you a racist, to hide the fact that they are actually racists.

What to Remember when debating them:

They’re racists. Racists are uneducated bigots. You would have a much easier time convincing an apple tree to start growing oranges.

Extremely Idiotic Republicans:
These Republicans are Republicans because they think it’s cool. They have a Republican in one of the other groups listed, so they think they know what they’re talking about. They have terrible spelling and grammar but they expect you to believe whatever they say because they are saying it to you.

The reason why this type of Republican is an idiot:

It’s hard to tell if they ever made it past the 4th grade. Most of their posts are illegible. They don’t know anything about their position other than what they have heard their friends say. They think that Republicans are fiscally conservative because they say that they are, and call anyone that doesn’t agree with them sheep. They ignore all historical information that is contradictory to what they say. They are 100% blind to facts.

What to Remember when debating them:

No amount of facts or logic will ever convince them that their buddies are wrong. You could be a college professor and they will still think that your opinion isn’t credible. Instead of trying to argue with them try explaining Algebra to your dog. I’m sure it will be much more productive.



(credit: AddictingInfo.org)

Mi Amore

My wife is truly the greatest person I know. Not only did she wake up at 11:30 in the evening to come pick me up from the field, she had dinner waiting for me. It doesn't end there. She also gave me an awesome much needed back massage. This was just the most recent of all the things she does for me and I just wanted to post it for the world to see that I appreciate everything. Lub you Lynise.

President Obama and his SOTU, reenlisting.

Not a lot of time to type because I'm getting ready for the field but two big things for the day: ensure you remain an informed citizen and watch the SOTU, and I am pleased to announce that upon my return from the field, I will reenlist in the Army for four more years. Let's make sure that I have the same boss for those four years!

My take on the sports scene this year.

Why does everyone hate the Pats so much? I mean yeah, Tom Brady looks like the ultimate douchetool to envy. He has a wife that we all want and makes more money than me and my entire family will make in our lifetimes. But like everything, there is an opportunity cost: he looks retarded and advertises for UGG. And they are a dynasty right now. I guess it's like everything else in sports and life. If you're successful, people hate you. Look at Duke. We are a perennial champion in men's basketball but we are hated worse than the Yankees. I hail from Kentucky where they all support the traitorous bastard and his one and done henchmen. Any time they lose, my phone goes off with texts simply because they know I like Duke. My reply: 1992 bitch.

Personally, I hate most professional sports. I will cheer for the Memphis Grizzlies and that's about my limit. The problem I have is that these guys think it's hard to provide for their families on a million dollar salary, that they always need to be paid more to do what they love. Fuck that. While deployed, we get paid a small percentage of what these guys make to do some of the dumbest stuff imaginable. Do we complain? No, we suck it up and drive on to not only provide for, but protect our families and the entire nation.

You just can't beat College Football and Basketball.

What a depressing day. The death of JoePa and the resurrection of Gingrich

First off, I want to extend my condolences to the Paterno family and greater Nittany Lion family for the loss of JoePa. A true football legend that now joins the ranks of Bryant and Wade in gridiron heaven. The man has been coaching since before my Dad was born (he started in an assistant position in 1950). To all of the chodes that want to troll on him for what that oxygen thief Jerry Sandusky did, the man didn't release his illness because he cared that much about his program and fans. So go play in traffic.

Now to the other debbie downer for the day. Newt Gingrich winning a South Carolina primary? I know, those of us with brains are tripping out right now. Newt is just the epitome of the modern day GOP. He is angry, hateful, paranoid, and overall hypocritical. How are you going to take credit for Clinton's successes? Newt wouldn't have reformed welfare, he would have laughed as his eugenic Malthusian ideas about "undesirables" starving to death. Like Reagan, Newt has always been a master of spin and stereotypes. The constant use of the welfare momma is a thing of the past, Newt. The facts show that 38.8% of those that receive AFDC are white, not the stereotypical Shakwanda with her 10 kids. It's hard to live the life of a fat cat when unemployment is only 250.00 a week for sustenance. I will attach an article I read about how a group of pastors is demanding an apology for his attacks on the poor.

What is truly scary about the state of South Carolina and the overall GOP is how fear and hate based it has become. We are talking about the same state that thought it was kosher to not only nullify any emancipation based bill, but to secede completely from the Union. Ironically, I have some deep roots in the state. My Pappy just moved back to his childhood home in the Pee Dee region. I went to a family reunion last year and met more cousins than I can begin to count. 15 of my ancestors fought for the Confederacy and lived and died less than a mile from where they were raised. But these were not the Landgraves and Lords Proprietor from Charleston. My ancestors were definitely what many white supremacists would consider "undesirable". We had native blood, interacted with slaves, and many never received an education. My great-grandparents signed their marriage certificates with an X because they didn't know how to read or write at all. Luckily, my Pappy escaped that vicious cycle and made a life for himself in the Coast Guard and ran a small business.

This is a stark contrast to the landed gentry that has dominated the political culture for centuries. They simply adapted from the plantation economy to the sharecropping system (where my family worked) to the current role of investments and political kingmaking. Names like Graham, Calhoun, Thurmond, and Hampton still resonate in our present day ballots. The overall goal of the state GOP is to keep the populace transfixed on a holy war from the left that is going to steal their taxes and guns, burn bibles, and have the evil colored homo rape junior. How many times has Obama said a thing about gun control? Or attacking religion? Never. (I will post at a later date about the left wing conspiracy movement).

Gingrich has gone beyond the standard mold of hate produced from the current GOP. Instead of fearing this or being embarrassed, conservative voters are clamoring to join him with their votes and hate. They finally found a moral conservative (.....?) that will stand up and slay the leftist devil. Never mind that he cheated on his wives numerous times and when asked about it, reversed it saying that it is disgusting to get involved in a man's personal life. He would never do that, right Bill? What real solutions to the economy has this man presented? What about the problems with the military? The sad part is that Republicans eat that shit on bread with gobs of Crisco and mayonnaise. They don't present fresh ideas just more of the same crap that hasn't worked. Look at the conditions in states controlled by the GOP (i.e. the South). Roads, public education, hospitals: they all suck. So where does the money created by budget and tax cuts go? The answer is that there is no money saved because that type of spending cannot sustain itself.

I will stop for now on this one and put more later. But, here is that article. Sick bastard.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joi-ruth-orr/newt-gingrich-racism_b_1217614.html

Alcoholics Anonymous and why it fails.

Most of you have seen or read Fight Club where the protagonist goes through various 12 step programs to overcome the dismal, mundane life that plagues him. It's sad to say, but the portrayal of those groups with their coffee pot and circle of chairs is more accurate than most would think. They are dry, biased, and almost prejudiced to anyone that disagree with what the program teaches.

I am currently enrolled in the Army Substance Abuse Program which is the DoD incarnation of AA. ASAP falls under AR 600-85 and as it's mission states: the mission of ASAP to help strengthen the overall effectiveness of the Army's workforce and to enhance the combat readiness of it's soldiers. I have been in once at Fort Huachuca, AZ for underage drinking where I went through and got my "diploma" and didn't really think anything of it. But after an incident with alcohol last September, I have been in it every since. ASAP is great if you are a legitimate addict because it states that while you are enrolled in the program, you are not allowed to partake in alcohol or drugs of any kind. But sadly, because it serves as the Army's only substance abuse program, everyone that comes into the program is considered an alcoholic and/or drug addict and is treated as such.

I will be the first to admit that I had an alcohol problem. It's just not healthy to start drinking at 1830 one night and not stop until 0800 the next morning. Or to play 35 games of beer pong in a row and not lose a single one. But while I had an alcohol problem, does that mean alcohol itself is a problem for anyone else or even me if I could learn to control it? That is the discussion and debate I got into yesterday with my counselor. I told her that millions of people across the world consume alcohol everyday and not everyone does harmful stuff while they drink. In many countries, Beer and Vodka are central tenets of their cultures. In Russia and Poland, they have wodka/vodka vendettas and Oktoberfest in Germany has been going strong for over a century. I think that drinking is completely acceptable if done responsibly.

I was thinking earlier today about the concept of genetic predispositions toward alcoholism. That got me thinking that the two cultures/ethnic groups with the most prevalent cases of alcoholism, Native Americans and African-Americans have a problem with drinking fire water not because of the alcohol itself, but rather a genetic predisposition against it because of lack of acclimation with it. (This was just a thought that is not backed up with any facts, so be easy. If you're a psych major, I'd try it out).

The problem with this country is our addiction to the 12 step process of AA. Did you know that even AA admits that they only have a success rate of 5%? That means the other 95% will continue down a darker road of heavy abuse because they have a guilt that is shoved down them that they have a "disease" which they are helpless against. AA is based off the premise that God is the cornerstone of changing your life for the better and that without him you are doomed to fail. I'm pretty sure that there a lot of agnostics and atheists that drink regularly and can control their impulses. When you remove God out of the equation, there really is nothing else to the program besides admitting how much of a piece of shit you are and how helpless you are. Does this seem right? Not to me. I'm not saying that AA isn't a great thing for those 5% that it works for. It has turned some of the dregs of humanity into better people for their lives. That's awesome for them. Personally, I don't see enjoying a beer once a week or having a glass of wine with your grandparents is horrible. If we could turn alcohol consumption from a mortal sin into something that can be enjoyed responsibly I believe a lot of those that AA didn't save could achieve help with their problems. Cutting down from a handle a week to a single glass on a special occasion isn't too much to ask. Or cutting down from keg stands to a few drafts on Friday night isn't impossible.

Overall, the best and easiest solution for those with alcohol problems is to just drink in moderation and responsibly and we can all have a good time. Cheers.

Bonnaroo.

Less than 6 months from now, my world will be complete when I go to Bonnaroo. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about (how are we friends?), Bonnaroo is a music festival that goes on every year in good ole Tennessee that is probably the closest incarnation to Woodstock that we will ever see. (For last year's lineup, http://tinyurl.com/6t93sct).  I have been trying to go since 2006 but either I was working at camp or my funding got screwed and of course was in Iraq for 2010. This year will finally be the year that I make it happen. The plan is for my buddy and cousin and I to drive my Ford Escape Rita from Savannah to Manchester loaded up with MRE's, a cooler of brew, bottles of water, and a whole lotta tunes to sleep in the back of my car for 4 days and avoid THC. (At least me and Austin). The dream lineup would include Mumford and Sons, Temper Trap, Florence and the Machine, Allman Brothers Band, and of course the Avett Brothers. Though I wouldn't be surprised if Dave Crosby from CSN made an appearance. All in all, I'm stoked and check everyday for updates because if all goes as planned, this will be my last big thing in the lower 48 for 3 years.